My Grandmother is the cook of the family. She never does anything immaculate, but she pours her heart into her meals. She usually hosts Christmas dinner, however this year she came down with the flu. Our family dinner has been postponed in the mean time. So instead, I spent Christmas with my mother. I have to say, it ended up being one of the best holidays I've had.

We made the mistake of going to church before eating. Two hours later, stomachs aching, we couldn't wait any longer to eat. We stopped at a little Greek restaurant to have our Christmas eve dinner (the only place open). The meal was surprisingly delicious! My mother had spare ribs and I had spaghetti. Very gourmet I know but every bite was better than the last! Plus we washed it down with coffee and strawberry shortcake.

Afterwards we went home and watched Michel Gondry music videos. We prepared our meal for Christmas Day (all of the side dishes we were going to bring to the family banquet we could now eat ourselves) and opened presents. Neither of us received many gifts, but what we did get meant a lot to us. My mom freaked out when she unwrapped her mp3 player. My prized possession is a new winter pea coat. Hurrah!

My mother isn't very tech savvy at all. I had to teach her how to use her mp3 player on Christmas day. While she played with Windows Media Player for the first time, I prepared our meal. We had leftovers, apple walnut salad with lemon poppy seed dressing, meatballs in honey bbq sauce, green bean casserole and a plethora of desserts - we ate like Queens.

I helped her fix up my room (now a spare room) before I headed home. We went through old photos and some of my old artwork. My mom and I spent a lot of time reliving memories and making new ones. We didn't have any pressure from my grandparents or my uncle to worry about - completely carefree. It was a nice Christmas.

Later that day I was lucky enough to get together with Trinity. I happened to be driving in her direction when she called (you could call it destiny really). We wrapped things up perfectly. Fantastic conversation and cigarettes. It's our thing. We eventually stopped at one of the two bars that were open in Fox Lake. Well, we could have done without the bar, but it was still good to buy my best friend a drink on Christmas day. That's how us Wisconsinites roll anyway.

I drove home with a happy heart and a stomach ache. But on the way back I let my brain get the best of me, and found myself knee deep in sorrow. I love my family, I love my friends, but there was still something or someone missing to make it the perfect Christmas.

It was the first Christmas in awhile where I've been single. I let it take a toll on me by the end of the night. It's been happening too often recently. I've been falling back into my depression. I know I do it to myself. I think about things I should let go and the people I need to let go of as well. I push it away until it snaps back in my face like a rubber band.

I've been off my depression medication for months now. I didn't want to be one of those people who have to rely on medication to find happiness. Plus, whenever I was on it, it numbed who I really was - or that's how I felt anyway. I wanted to get better without medication. Instead I've had help from my family and friends as well as methods of my own. Everybody has been so good to me, and I have everything I should want.

But recently the hands on the clock have been ticking slower, and my days have been harder, and my nights lonelier than ever.

I'm waiting for the days to pass, when I will see the light in everything again.